Thursday, January 31, 2013

A friend posted this on Facebook tonight and it really jumped out and clamped onto my little heart. 

I have always had big dreams.  I have always wanted to change the world somehow.  I feel my time here on Earth is more than just the ho hum daily grind that so many people give into when they open their eyes in the morning.  This pressure I put on myself in itself causes me a lot of daily anxiety.  Now, to add to that, try to imagine not just thinking about it but juggling what feels like a million different ideas, projects, business plans, and being your own PR firm, factory, etc. etc. etc., all while counting change to buy gas, eating whatever random things you have in your fridge, like wilted broccoli and canned coconut milk.  Oh wait, you already do this? Yea, I guess most people do.  It is 2013 after all.  Who knows what relaxation is? Or security?  Psh....

The early bird gets the worm.
You have to play hard ball to get what you want.

I am sure many of my crafter friends can relate to this.  We work our daily jobs then manage our small businesses behind the scenes into the wee hours of the morning so we can make a few extra bucks.  I envy my friends who have a day job then a small creative business on the side.  I wish that was good enough for me.

Well, that is not good enough for me.  I want to wake up and have a passion for what I do.  When I say that, I admit that I mostly mean what I do for "work" because in a perfect world, I would have an endless stream of money that would make all my dreams possible!

No, I do not mean the dream of sitting around and eating massive amounts of Ben and Jerry's Half Baked while sporting a size 2 and watching TV on the biggest flat screen money could buy... although that would be nice. I mean the dream of getting to do all of the things I want that would help my community.

I have plans people!!!

I feel like I am a bird with one damaged wing and all I do is fly in circles.  There are SO. MANY. IDEAS!!!! Good ones!!! Potentially REALLLLLY successful ones! Revisiting my anxiety, I watch the minutes pass by and every minute that passes is a minute lost.  Those minutes add up pretty fast and then all of a sudden you are curled up in a ball after clearing your desk with your forearm and giving up for the night like a 6 yr old who doesn't want to do spelling words (ahem, can you guess what my day job is?)  Throwing a tantrum, being ridiculously over dramatic, then starting fresh the next day, the only difference is that all of the notes you had on the desk are on the floor.  Everything is in shambles, and now you have wasted more time cleaning up the mess than if you just threw your hands up and went to bed for the night.  You don't do this?  Ah.... yes.  This is why I have started to meditate because this reflects MY behavior.

Little known fact:
  Last year I tried to launch my own summer camp.  I spent a ridonkculous amount of money on marketing, almost ALL of my free time planning, promoting, and designing this program.  I got my hopes up because of the feedback and response from my community.  My heart was racing and I thought.... THIS IS IT! Then, the registration deadline approached and there was nothing but a bunch of empty promises.

Do I blame anyone? No.  Am I sad? Yes.  Was I scared as hell?  YES.   Am I a wee bit relieved that it was kind of a fail?  YESSS.  Will I give up?  NO!

I don't know how you are but when I want something, I want it NOW! I am fully aware that I am a spoiled brat and have learned how to get what I want when I want it.  When that little magical part of me doesn't work, I freak out. BUT, I have also learned that because I have always been so used to getting what I want or things to work out the way I want them to......I tend to take on way too much and possibly not put ALL the effort into whatever project may be in the works...because poooof it's all going to work out, right? Wrong.

My last post talked about my sweet Peanut.  As I mourn, I find that it's easiest to just throw myself into my work and avoid accepting that I have any type of grief.   My computer will keep me company.  Google is my new friend.  But, even though I am getting motivated to tackle a ton of unfinished business, I am hitting those roadblocks again.  Time is starting to race past me again.  Even though I have a mini panic attack over these silly little things, the moment I saw this photo I became thankful that I have the guts to try.  I am not afraid to try and fail.  Some people live their lives with all of these amazing ideas trapped in their brain.  Imagine if everyone made a little more effort to make their dreams come true.

The world would be a happier place - or the therapists would be RICH!

What are some of your dreams? or what have to tried and succeeded at? Failed at?

Please share!!


Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Tuesday morning - Theme: LOVE

This morning I woke with a pain in my heart and an emptiness that lingered in my room.  As I lay in bed, I tried to console my tears with happy thoughts, memories, and gratitude.

Yesterday, I had to make a very difficult decision to help free my sweet fur baby, Peanut, from pain caused by many health issues.

If you have a fur baby, you understand when I say that they become your children.  You live to protect them, you schedule your days around their feeding schedule and make sure to spend ample time with them because the thought of these little creatures feeling lonely breaks your heart.  They depend on you like an infant depends on parents.  You can't let them down.  Yesterday I had to put my selfishness aside and make the hardest decision that a pet parent could ever make. I am at peace knowing he is free from pain but I will forever miss him greeting me, tripping me (I think for his own amusement) keeping my toes warm by laying on them, feeling his nudges when he is begging for attention, and all the other little quirks that made him so special. 

This is Peanut.  My little child for 5 wonderful years.  I am grateful for all of the happy memories we have together.  Yesterday, I rifled through all of the photos and videos that I could find.  For some this would bring more sadness but for me it helped to see him so happy and reassured me that I gave him the best life I could.

When I look at him, I know the meaning of love.  I know what it feels like to be happy and smile at the littlest things at when I would find him sitting in front of his little heater with his eyes closed enjoying the warmth.  They remind us that life and happiness is all about the little things that we enjoy.

We spent his last 12 hours cuddling in bed.  I stayed up all night to make sure he was warm, felt secure and safe, and gave him more kisses in those 12 hrs than in all 5 years (probably not, but close) and talked to him like he was my best friend. I have a feeling that he understood all that I was saying as he gave me a reassuring nudge that it was OK for me to do what I needed to do for him.

Some of the things I loved about him:

I LOVED the way he smelled.  It was a sweet smell that I cannot explain but it was lovely.
I LOVED his little mohawk he had on top of his head.  It was silly but oh so soft.
I LOVED the way he would headbutt me when I stopped giving him kisses.  He was a bit spoiled.
I LOVED how he would place his little paw on my foot when I was sitting on the edge of my bed.  Sometimes I think he did it just so I knew he was there for me.
I LOVED coming in my room and seeing him propped up on the front of the vacuum cleaner, like he was waiting for it to pet him.
I LOVED how he would suddenly know he had to use the potty and take off only to fly into his littler box.
I LOVED his little food dance when I was feeding him.
I LOVED how his butt twitched when I gave him bananas.
I LOVED how he would FLY up the steps like a crazy man.
I LOVED his little sprawled legs when he relaxed.
I LOVED when he did his crazy flips.  SO CUTE!
I LOVED when he would bunny snore.

The list could go on forever.

I love that I got to spend 5 wonderful years with him.  I see a lot of Peanut paintings in my future.  It is also the perfect time to work on my Peanut tattoo idea.  I will forever be able to look at this sweet face whenever I want.

Here is one of my paintings I made a while back.  Just a little fun one.  Can't wait to make more.  I think it will be therapeutic and hopefully soon the pain that is left will pass.

Make sure you give your fur babies, human babies, and all people you love a hug today and let them know how happy they make you.

Love to you all!  <3

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Is anyone terribly behind on getting caught up after the holidays? 

I am.

Every second of the day I feel guilty but I am one of those people who cannot work unless the space around me is clean.  My need for organization is blamed on me being a Virgo instead of the fact that I may be a little OCD about organizing, labeling, and all things storage.  

I can't remember when this happened to me, but one day I woke up and loved to sort, loved to clean, and loved to put things away. Part of me feels that because of my gypsy blood that pumps through my veins, I have always been on the move so I tend to keep my life packed in boxes and almost ready to go at a moments notice.  Maybe my soul feels another move coming on?  Or.....maybe I am just procrastinating.  I think it's the latter.

I found this lovely picture from Hyperallergic and it couldn't be more correct.  Especially the last box.  

What do YOU do to get out of your funk?  What do you do to procrastinate?

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Hello January!

Every year I look forward to your arrival and this year was no different.

Anticipation hit at about 11:47 PM this year and I mildly regretted not having plans, again.

To quote my better half, he refers to NYE as "amateur night".  As we get older we realize that all of these false expectations lead to disappointment.  I tried to remember that as we lay side by side watching his iPhone countdown and as I struggled to get the ball drop streaming on mine....nerds, right?

Midnight hit, we texted each other silly messages (even though he was about 8 inches away from me), we giggled, we kissed, and then we went to bed.  I felt happy.  Nothing could top this.  No matter how much I wanted to be out socializing, I knew this was much better.

What does this have to do with what I am about to write?  It has to do with learning, accepting, and cherishing the moments instead of regretting and expecting.

I thought I would start off my first post of the year with an itsy bitsy look into me.  As the main author of this blog, I hope to bring more stories, more lessons learned (about life and about business) and inspirational stories. This time in my life is more important than other ones have been for some reason.

-Maybe because I am getting cozy with the idea of my new age decade.
-Maybe it's because I have been in my new town for a year and I feel like it's time to quit goofing off because a lot of my/our future depends on some choices that I make this year.
-Maybe it's because I am coming into my own more now than ever and I want to be happy with who I am.
-Maybe it's because I have decided that it just is for no particular reason.

Who am I and what can I bring to the table for your eyes to pass over?  Well, my emotions, my dreams, my inspiration, my energy are all bi polar.  It should be a roller coaster of posts and weird stories but my hope is that the ride is at least mildly entertaining and somewhat relatable.  Today is a bit of a confession and a look inside.  (Just so you know what you are getting into)


I have a small creative business that I try to manage in the midst of my insanity.  I struggle, I learn, I fail, I feel awful, then I wake up like it never happened.  

Some days I am manic with more ideas in my brain then there are minutes in the day.  I work, I create, I eat, I skip showers because that takes too much time.  Some days I have agoraphobia and I hide under the covers until the day passes and I feel calm enough to sleep. Today I write this blog and browse through the 13 tabs I have open on the top of my browser, all of which are silly, like an African Gray parrot riding a robot, or a job application that is way out of my league.  Hilarious! right?

I fear Saturdays because I have too much free time and don't know what to do with it.  So I pace, I sleep, I usually cry at least once (I know, freak!) and I wait for the day to be over.  Most of the time I am alone.  I used to love it and as I get older I love it less, but I still love it at times.  I am learning to embrace this weird quirk about me that I don't always understand and one that is possibly my greatest demon.

This morning I read a lovely post about 13 Rules for Being Alone and Being Happy About It.

I would like to highlight  a few of my favorites:

  • Understand that you’re good enough all by yourself. 
  • It’s very easy to find someone to spend time with, but when you have high standards for the people you allow into your life, you’re telling yourself that you’re better off by yourself than with someone who isn’t a great fit for you.

  • Cherish every interaction.

  • There is no such thing as a boring person. There is no such thing as a boring situation. If you’re ever bored, it’s because you’re not paying attention. This is a problem with you, not with your surroundings.
  • Take an interest in every person that comes into your life, even if for only a second. Listen closely to what they say. Watch carefully what they do. Try to understand them as a person. You’ll be better for it.
  • Create, create, create.
  • When you’re alone, the only one stopping you from creating the art, the work, that you’re capable of is yourself. All excuses are gone. When you’re alone, you can lose yourself in your work. When you lose yourself in your work, you can be sure that you’re creating something truly meaningful.
  • Your other option is to ignore that call to create and, instead, look for temporary comfort in things and people who will eventually leave you unfulfilled. Make use of your loneliness.
  • Go to a movie alone.

  • This will be awkward at first. If you’re used to going out with others, you’ll wonder what you should do with yourself while you’re alone. Don’t try to hide from the discomfort. Accept it. And then laugh about it because, really, who the hell decided that you weren’t supposed to do these things alone?

  • Make plans for the future, and pursue them immediately.

  • The purpose for your life doesn’t need to be complex or earth shattering. It doesn’t have to be big or overwhelming. It only needs to be present. Once it’s there, it gets much easier to make plans you can take action on.

Independence is one quality I cherish about myself. While I feel everyone should experience this high, it's lonely and crippling at times.  People see independence intimidating (this is not an assumption but a confession by people I have eventually spoke with.) Others exclude you because you can "deal."  After all, you are at home having a one person party just living it up, right?  Sometimes striving for success is my only friend.

My goal for 2013 is acceptance.  Accepting who I am.  Accepting struggles (and not always liking them.) Accepting that I want to be successful and other areas of my life won't always be as I hope. These are all my choices and even though I may whine that they suck.... they are still mine, I chose them, and I need to learn to live with them to be happy.

So I write today to you and to myself. 

I vow to cherish the time I spend with others because those moments are few and far between. 

I vow to attempt to quit making excuses and feel as if I am missing out on things and create, make plans, and go after them.

I vow to love myself and my whirlwind emotions.

I vow to write things down and share them: successes, failures, support for others, accomplishments (my own and others), and fun stories that I add to my Gratitude Jar.

My wish for 2013 is to be a better me, loving, honest, and real and remember those amazing simple moments like NYE and know that life if good.

What are your goals for this year?


*Would you like to do a guest blog post?  contact if you have a story you want to share about ANYTHING!!!!*